One of my readers, Joanna, recently wrote me an email. For those of you who think your emails go in one ear and out the other, please think again. I hear you. I appreciate you. I am fully aware that this blog exists because you allow it to...because you continue to come back. I realize that it often takes me too long to respond, or that I shoot a quick thank you and leave it at that. But those thank-yous are full of meaning and your words matter to me.
Joanna has a strong-willed child. Don't we all? I know I do. She is 2 going on 3, and hell-bent on making my life more difficult. My husband says she's spirited. I say she's a punk-- such is the love between a mother and daughter. Thank heavens she is absolutely adorable.
It's always the girls, isn't it?
It's always the girls, isn't it?
So anyway, I thought I'd write a series.
This is the very first part.
This is the very first part.
Thank you for the inspiration Joanna.
5 Tips on Raising A Brat Strong Willed Child.
1. Stay calm.
Shades on. Straight face. Keep your cool. Your child is fully aware of how he/she is affecting you. If he senses that he is getting under your skin, he will dig deeper. If he is in the midst of a tantrum in Target, and you start sweatin', he will push it to the limits. Your child is searching for control...damn near demanding it. But, stand your ground, and do not let him see you flinch. Let him think that his poor behavior barely phases you. A calm voice and a patient smile will do better than stomping out of the store dragging him behind you. Ignore the negative, enforce the positive. Trust me on this one.
2. Include her.
A strong-willed child will cringe at your demands. Instead of ordering her to clean-up, complete a task, or get dressed, allow her the ability to choose her steps. Tell her what needs to be done before the end of the day or the trip to the store. Then, allow her the time and ability to complete the tasks on her own terms and pace. Let her believe that she is making the decision to put on her jacket and clean up her toys. Toss a nudge and a wink at your husband...keep your control silent.
which leads me to my next point...
3. Accomplishments are key.
If your strong willed child completes a task or accomplishes a goal on his own terms, suddenly there is a sense of pride. At the end of the day, your child wants to do well and be good. He is craving independence; and when he finally gains it, he will be less likely to rebel against the world. Set him up for success, even if that means catering to his so-called "spirited" ways.
4. Be consistent in routine.
Your strong willed child should know what to expect on a daily basis in order to allow her to take the initiative. She will dress herself and brush her own teeth, if she knows she is suppose to. She does not want to be told what to do, and will therefore do it on her own terms. Again, it's about control. Set a routine, have a checklist, and let her complete each task (and check them off) individually. When she's finished, acknowledge her success.
5. Understand his perspective. Yes, you are the adult. Yes, most likely, you do know best. BUT--- and this is a big butt. He matters. He has opinions and feelings that are relevant and should not be dismissed. Your child may not want to go to the store or leave a party, so try your best to understand that. He is a passionate little being with big emotions. Give him a heads up before you have to leave a party, ask him his opinion, and have compassion for his pains and frustrations. Let him know that you feel for him. He needs your understanding.
Strong-will, spirit, determination, stubbornness-- whatever you want to call it, be proud of your child for possessing these characteristics. They are leaders. They are strong. They have integrity and passion, which ultimately means they will fight for what they deserve. And let's face it- they deserve everything.
Please see:
Raising a Strong Willed Child: Discipline (2/3).
So needed this post. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you HOW MUCH I NEEDED this series THANKS a million times over! strong-willed+girl+possible adhd+ likely hyperintelligence=a mommy in therapy to handle the disregulations and learn everything you just wrote.... I feel like I could almost skip therapy from now on because I.get.it.now!
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